I just got my 30th follower! Claire, no idea who you are, and how you came across this, but thank you. I also just realized that it’s the 31st of July…and July is the month in which I started this blog last year, which means that if I’m going to blow my own horn over “turning one!” it has to be today. Ok. Too many numbers. Not enough words. Let me try that again. I’ve been writing this blog for a year, and let’s be honest, with only 30 followers, I’m no Justin Halpern, and this is hardly the success that Shit My Dad Says turned out to be. He started his twitter account around the time I started my blog, and has since garnered over a million followers, published a book, and become famous. Can’t figure out how or why he’s been so successful, and haven’t yet figured out how to follow in his tread, although I have started inserting the word “shit” a lot more often, and here’s hoping that works to the same effect.
Regardless of the lack of official followers or fame however…the girl with the pearl necklace has had an eventful year. Some things have changed, some have stayed the same…she has earned me grace and gotten me into trouble…been both my pride and my torment. So here are the pearls of wisdom I have gained, the pearls of gratitude that I owe…and some links to memory lane...
1. I have spent a long year desperately clarifying that I am not referring to that kind of “pearl necklace.” And then, it was brought to my attention that actually, albeit in some hidden, unobtrusive, coy way (if that’s possible), I am. As one reader pointed out to me, “honey, mask it, veil it, lace it all you want, but let’s be honest, you’re always, in one way or another talking about sex.” (I then proceeded to list the titles of my blogs from beginning to end, and he did indeed manage to point out some hidden reference to sex in every.single.one of them). So, much to my dismay, I guess I am referring to that kind of pearl necklace. And I guess I can live with that. I mean, swallow it. (Thanks to A.D).
http://girlwithapearlnecklace.blogspot.com/2009/07/in-vermeer-not-pornographic-sense.html
2. And while we’re on the topic of sex, I received another interesting, helpful and thought provoking comment from a reader. The blog entitled “Of Whores and Horses: Further Contemplations on Writing,” discusses the idea of letting go, and begins with three Zambian words, “osa donsa maningi,” meaning “don’t pull too much.” I explain in the blog that the expression has “raised quite its fair share of eyebrows, especially when told to a group of Zambian men, who can’t help but wonder how, or why I know these words, these three words in particular.” I assumed that they reacted or laughed at it because it sounds like a Zambian man had said it to me, in the form of some sex-ed lesson on how to hold, pull, etc., (even though I had learned it from dealing with horses). But a reader then said to me she thought I was referring to something else…which is the Zambian tradition of labia elongation—in laymen’s terms, pulling on your labia to make them longer. Anyhow, long story short, this sparked a whole inquisition, and I became desperate to learn of this tradition, how, why, where and when it happened…and it became the intrigue du jour for a good four weeks or so. Turns out the notion of sexual education and traditions in Africa is lengthy, dense and complex…not to mention a bundle of rollicking fun. So, stay tuned. Sex and the Bush. Coming Soon. (Thanks to ATK).
http://girlwithapearlnecklace.blogspot.com/2010/03/of-whores-and-horses-further.html
3. One last thing on sex. I don’t know if anyone is enough of a fan to have religiously and regularly read through the comments on the blog as well as the blogs themselves. But I one day decided to do this…and I realized that some random-spam-something had posted comments that were links to websites for Viagra and such. I suppose I felt insulted or devalued or something because I immediately deleted them. But now I kind of wish I had left them there. It has a nice ring to it no? “Writing is like golf…you’ve got to have the balls…” ENLARGE YOUR PENIS! “Writing is like prostitution…you’ve got to bear it all….” BUY VIAGRA!
http://girlwithapearlnecklace.blogspot.com/2010/03/harvard-scrabble-and-golf-some-unlikely.html
4. All the praise, comments, and constructive criticisms were and continue to be great…but I guess the girl with the pearl necklace really shone most when she earned me a job. Earlier this year, I came across a listing for a writer/editor, and all I did was send a little hello and a link to my blog…and a day or two later, I had not only a new job, but a new follower! It was for a book on flirting…and incidentally I had recently written a little piece on flirting/pick-up lines entitled “Geography and it’s Discontents.” So I guess I owe a thank you to (I think his name was) Pietro, the lovely Italian man with the not so lovely pick-up line “where are you from”…but more importantly a big thank you to J.S…
http://girlwithapearlnecklace.blogspot.com/2009/11/geography-and-its-discontents.html
5. On the other hand, sending (or spraying?) the link out like that may not always be such a good idea…as it happened in the curious case of the cookie cut. Those of you who are close or obsessive followers might have noticed that in January this year, there was a blog posted on “cookies” which was taken off soon after it was published. The piece was written on the eve of Serbian Christmas…when my mother and I decided to research some Serbian Christmas traditions and discovered that one of them was to make cookies with “JC” (Jesus Christ’s initials) on them. This got me going on a little ramble about cookies…which incidentally in slang, can also be used to refer to a vagina. Anyhow, a few days later, my mother and I had tea with a Bishop (golly, doesn’t that sound splendid!) and she all too quickly told him about my blog. Before the man was out of the door, I was at my laptop taking the cookie blog down. Look I’m not really one for censorship…but I just don’t think a Bishop should ever have to see the words vagina and Jesus Christ in the same sentence. I may consider reposting that blog at some point…
6. I suppose I should also stop and thank my (real) pearl necklace. It was (I swear) the inspiration for the title of this blog, it is ever the great conversation starter, or…dare I say it, finisher. But then I must thank my dad too, because he has kindly, three times this year, fixed it when it has broken. So thank you dad. And in case you were wondering, yes it was quite a sight seeing me on my knees trying to catch all the pearls as they came thundering down, screaming shitfuckmotherfuckingshitfuckmotherfucker! I know, nothing pearly or graceful in that, but don’t judge, I’m trying the Justin Halpern method. (Thanks to D.S).
7. Beyond my father…perhaps I should thank men in general. The strangers, the friends, the men who give me pearls of inspiration and those who give me real ones. No, wait, I mean…oh whatever, take it as you wish. I wrote a blog in three parts called “In Praise of Men” a while ago. And I still believe it. Every single word…
http://girlwithapearlnecklace.blogspot.com/2009/07/in-praise-of-men-part-i.html
8. Oh alright, I won’t be sexist. Thanks to my girls too. For talking, for listening, for reading, for getting it!…and for never wearing pearls.
9. One last thing. Some of you read this blog religiously. Some of you a little less. Some of you can cite lines and dates of postings better than I can. Whoever you are, however often you read, and for whatever reason you read…whether for entertainment or marketing, that is, penis enlarging purposes…please, please, please: Click on the FOLLOW button! Look, its right here….to your right…yep, that’s the one! à
10. Sorry that wasn’t the last thing. This is. Like the “pillow and champagne bucket,” you’ve got to save the best for last after all. Dear Mom. My very first follower, my biggest fan, and my favourite person in the whole world to quote. My mom reads every blog before the rest of the world is even aware that a new day has begun let alone that a new blog has been posted. And in true motherly fashion, only has one response every time: Super! (That and “try cut down on the smoking dear.”) I can’t thank you enough. And don’t worry, it’s not all true. Sometimes I like to exaggerate…
That’s all folks. Happy Birthday to me and a big thanks to all of you. Oh, and one very last thing…shit!
No comments:
Post a Comment