For Gayer or For Worse

Trust me to fag-hag my way through a wedding. While most women who head to a wedding alone do so “wishin’ and hopin’” to meet their prince charming, and dream this dream with such conviction that they spend as long (if not longer) as the bride does to get ready for the big day…I head to weddings wide-eyed only for the free-flow of bubbly and the prospect of dancing queen my way around the floor…without having to worry about looking ridiculous for that title is strictly reserved for the crazy Elvis uncle. And lately I’m coming to learn there is one other species of queen who share my views. Effeminate though they be, gay men aren’t really going to sit around after the church ceremony fawning over how beautiful the bride was and how perfectly in love not only the newlywed couple but the entire world seem to be! They’re going to sneak off to the hotel pool and erect a fagorama around a silver bucket full of bubbly and pop away with snortingly-hilarious Donatella goss! Straight from the horse’s mouth too!—well, from the man behind her mane, which in her case, is close enough. Then they’ll proceed to bitch and moan about the Ryan Air flight that brought them to that stunning location—as one only should!—and of course, inspired by all the festive and bubbly air, proceed to plan the ultimate new year’s party sans budgeting or inhibition. “Ohhhh….uniforms! men in uniforms!” I couldn’t help but add. “Listen to you! You’re like a gay man trapped in a woman’s body!” Perhaps I am. Perhaps the already complex spectrum of sexuality needs one more category—gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, queer and…me. Won’t get too hung up on the implications of this right now…but yes, in short, we get along well. Only they can carry on a conversation about my gold-tipped, multicoloured, Sobranie cigarettes for longer than it takes me to smoke one, only they can appreciate the “fabulousness dahling” of my “fascinator”—apparently, according to them, the official title for the comb of feathers stuck in my hair—only they have the perfect sun lotion, the perfect factor 15, an “invisible” version, and a “glittery” too! But feathers and glitter aside…for this, arguably could be pulled off just as well by a woman trapped in a woman’s body, what they do do better than any other man or woman possibly could…is…oh gosh, no pun intended…ballroom. Not only will a gay man come running across the dance floor to save you from the two-left-footed-moron who has just asked you to dance, but he will then proceed to spin you around, flip you over his shoulder effortlessly, put you back down, pause to say “wow, you’re good…” and then with a gentle tug on the strap of your dress add, “but hang on honey, you’re about to lose a tit.” I love gay men. I do.

Mind the Gap: 100 Lessons Learned in London

When I headed to Portobello market yesterday, as I do almost every Saturday morning, there was something oddly familiar about the air. It was one of those perfect mornings that tells you you're exactly on the cusp of summer and autumn...one of those perfect mornings when you realise just a few moments too late that its not yet the season for UGG boots...one of those perfect mornings that turns into a boiling, sheepy, steamy afternoon. And I thought, I remember the last time I came to Portobello Market in my UGGs and boiled! It was exactly one year ago! The day I moved to London. So...in one year, I obviously haven't learned not to wear UGGs before October...but in hopes of comforting myself I came up with a list of 100 things I have learnt. Here goes:

1. A snow day is not just another day. It isn’t. It really isn’t.
   
2. Make sure Selfridges is not “on your way” to anywhere that you’re walking. Ever.
   
3. When you’re trying on a dress for an event and looking in the mirror thinking “I’m going to be the most beautiful woman in the room,” what you really should be thinking is “I’m going to be the most broke woman in the room.”
   
4. Sunnier does not necessarily mean warmer.
   
5. Don’t take your Sunday times to the park. You’ll spend more time running after it than reading it.
   
6. The best things in life are not free. It costs £1.50 to sit on a lawn-chair in the park.
   
7. If it hasn’t rained all week…it will…soon.
   
8. Always read the fine print. Special offers are not really that special, and “complimentary” is never really complimentary.
   
9. Stay away from Oxford Street at all times. Except for Sunday mornings at 7. Then its great. Just you and the street cleaners. Bliss.
   
10. Kissing the bartender on the cheek can be a ticket to three free glasses of white wine.
    
11. “Members only” is bullshit. Three beautiful girls in heels and red lipstick works too.
    
12. If someone recommends a great place called Crazy Larry’s don’t listen to them. Its called “crazy” for a reason.
    
13. Exclusive sample sales are really not that exclusive. You and every other girl in London will need to stand in line for hours to get in.
    
14. Throw your empty Starbucks coffee cup away before you get into the tube. There are no trashcans in the underworld.
    
15. Throw your empty Starbucks coffee cup away before you get to Mayfair. There are no trashcans in the upperworld either.
    
16. Sometimes changing tube lines can take you longer than it would have if you had just gone up to street level and walked to your destination. Damn you Waterloo.
    
17. Don’t buy 1kg bags of flour and 1-litre bottles of olive oil in the supermarket. There’s no Landcruiser waiting in the parking lot to drive all that shit home.
    
18. Don’t drop off more than 3 items of clothing for dry cleaning at any one time. The price will be so shocking you’ll drop your coffee cup and dirty all those shirts all over again.
    
19. When you’re having a bad day…head to La Durée…one vanilla and one pistachio…can send all your troubles away….!
    
20. “A drink” never means “a drink.” Ever.
    
21. Spend long hours on Cheyne Walk. You never know when Mr. Jagger will appear. No, no, it hasn’t happened yet. But it will. Stay tuned.
    
22. Every once in a while you have to leave London and visit this tiny little place called Bicester Village. It holds treasures galore.
    
23. Food shopping at Borough Market does not fall under the category “needs.” Don’t lie to yourself. That prosciutto could only be a want.
    
24. Don’t trust GoogleMaps on your iPhone blindly. 376 Fulham Road is not where your iPhone thinks 376 Fulham Road is. Nor is the Western Eye Hospital. “Uh, honey, you’re in Camden right now. The Western Eye Hospital is near Baker Street. Clearly, you really need to go there.”
    
25. Go to Portobello market before 11am. Actually, before 10am. Otherwise you’ll feel exactly like you felt when you were leaving that concert last night.
    
26. The Hummingbird Bakery opens at 10 and closes at 6. Its not your classic bakery.
    
27. The London eye really isn’t all its cracked up to be. But London is trés greeeen!
    
28. Stand on the right. Walk on the left. We all need a reminder every once in a while.
    
29. And…just when you think you’ve heard it enough times…you’ll forget to…mind the gap!
    
30. “Don’t try to get on or off the tube when the doors are beeping.” There’s a really good reason why that’s written all over the tube. Ouch!
    
31. You have to wave at the bus if you want it to stop. Looking at the driver, getting your oyster card out, throwing your just-lit cigarette on the floor and stepping on it isn’t enough of a sign.
    
32. Don’t step on your cigarette at the bus stop. That way if he doesn’t stop you can pick it up and carry on smoking again. Yes I am totally a believer in the 5-second rule.
    
33. Go to the movies alone. Having your own large popcorn is one of life’s simple pleasures.
    
34. I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t do cash back. I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t do cash back. I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t do cash back. Tesco doesn’t do cash back.
    
35. If you’re trying to save money, take the tube. This is more difficult than it sounds. It means knowing when the last tube is. And wait, here comes the really hard part. It means leaving to make it onto the last tube in time. Yes, leaving. No really, leaving. Like right now. Oh whatever lets just get another drink I’ll take a cab.
    
36. Every once in a while, buy the Big Issue. You’ll be surprised how relieving it feels to say yes, having said no 364 times.
    
37. When Vogue advertises 30 great coats for every budget what that really means is 30 great coats over 100 pounds. And they aren’t even all that great. Of course, the ones that are…yep, you guessed it…four figures.
    
38. You have to know where to get your freshly squeezed orange juice. In some places it tastes like freshly squeezed ass.
    
39. If somebody stops you on the street and says, “Excuse me, can I ask you where you get your hair done? Say no. And walk away. Fast.”
    
40. Whoever said that hair-o’-the-dog is the solution lied. The hair-o’-the-dog is the problem.
    
41. If you’re wondering why you cant get to sleep on a Sunday night its because your body is wondering why you haven’t had a drink.
    
42. Top up your oyster.
    
43. Top up your oyster.
    
44. Top up your oyster.
    
45. Some things you never learn.
    
46. When you go to visit Virgin Active because you may join it, do not leave your phone number. I repeat. Do not leave your phone number. Virgins are needy.
    
47. If you see an ad for a fantastic flat in Knightsbridge for a fantastic price, it doesn’t exist. Some things are literally and simply…to good to be true.
    
48. Smile and chat with the cabby. If it turns out you’re 3 pounds short, he’ll let you off the hook. S’aight love!
    
49. Addison Lee is not necessarily cheaper than a black cab.
    
50. Watch your head when getting in or out of cabs. Some roofs are lower than others.
    
51. Think carefully where you’re going before putting a real (whole, head and eyes included) fox around your neck. There are some angry people out there.
    
52. Always go outside a pub with someone you know for a cigarette. Drunken smokers always feel compelled to have an idiotic conversation with you.
    
53. If you don’t have someone to smoke with, make sure you have a fake name to give someone you don’t want to give your real one to. Mary just wont cut it.
    
54. Mary?! (I totally am from Berkshire! Bahkshire!)
    
55. Oh. That reminds me. Berkshire is Bahkshire. Tottenham is tott’n’am. Marylebone is marleybone. Won’t even get into Leicester, Gloucester and the rest. I just don’t get it.
    
56. Don’t smile at men you don’t want to talk to. No matter what else you’re doing or saying to make it clear that you don’t want to talk to them, the smile means boundless encouragement.
    
57. When you leave lunch at midnight don’t expect to feel anything but awful tomorrow.
    
58. Save all your receipts. You never know when you will be short for cash and more than willing to return that item you thought you couldn’t live without last week.
    
59. Don’t talk to strangers in the street. They may try to kiss you.
    
60. Walking somewhere might get you there quicker than taking the bus.
    
61. Always ask for a double-bag at Tesco.
    
62. Don’t go to Primark unless you have at least three hours of time on your hands and a burning desire to stand in a lot of queues. Time is money too, you know.
    
63. Don’t try to argue with someone who says, “I’m sorry ma’am, that’s store policy.” They only have one response. “I’m sorry ma’am, that’s store policy.”
    
64. Asking to speak to the manager doesn’t always help. He’ll only add a “terribly” in there. “I’m terribly sorry ma’am, that’s store policy.”
    
65. Make sure you’re watching when you get something gift-wrapped. Those interns sure know how to mix things up.
    
66. Friends aren’t terribly overjoyed when they get a teacup for their birthday. A single teacup. With pink roses on it.
    
67. To the question “would you like to open a tab” always say no. You never know how many more thirsty fellows will join.
    
68. Do not think that Ralph Lauren is a good place to go to “get out of the rain.”
    
69. And don’t forget your umbrella on your way out an hour later. You’ll need it to keep all your purchases dry!
    
70. Don’t tell people you went fox hunting. They’ll ask you a hell of a lot of questions about fox hunting you don’t have the answer to. Foxes? Who said anything about foxes? I went for the ride of my life, and hung on for dear life. That’s all I know.
    
71. Don’t drink Costa Coffee. Ick.
    
72. If you’re in need of a pick-me-up, go walk around Chelsea Football Club during a match. You hear people cheering all the time and as you’re the only one on the street you can reasonably lead yourself to believe they’re cheering for you.
    
73. 5pm on a Friday is a really good time to get things done. Everyone else is at the pub.
    
74. The Electric is so not the best place for Sunday brunch. You can’t smoke there even if you are lucky enough to get a table outside. “Oops! Terribly sorry! Somehow didn’t see all those big red signs that say no smoking!”
    
75. Think twice before you go to anything for which you got free tickets. There’s usually a damn good, and very simple, reason why they’re free.
    
76. You can’t change the fact that people talk about the weather. Just join in. Or leave.
    
77. Crossing the street is a martial art form. Read the instructions painted on the street. Press the button. Look left. Look right. Walk. Go around the barriers. Read the instructions painted on the street. Press the button. Look left. Look right. Walk. Oh. And watch out for bicycles.
    
78. Bicycles are traffic too.
    
79. Avoid walking by construction sites behind an ugly woman. It’s not really flattering to have the workers whistle at you when you realize they whistle at just about anything female that walks by.
    
80. Don’t read the paper over someone’s shoulder on the tube. They always get off before you’re done.
    
81. Don’t do Sudoku on the tube. You’ll miss your stop. 1, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9…….
    
82. When using a self-check-out, always BAG the item after scanning it. Having a machine repeat PLEASE WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE seven times in front of a whole queue of people can only make a bad day worse.
    
83. Don’t take the bus home after a really good night out. Total buzzkill. Busskill!
    
84. Last call for alcohol is really the last call. Doesn’t matter how many times you beg. Or how pretty you are. Just drink up and leave.
    
85. The Hilton Hotel in Paddington has a bar that’s open all night.
    
86. Do nice things for people. Karma seems to take the Circle Line in London and comes back around rather soon.
    
87. No matter how tired or drunk you may be, always take your make-up and jewelry off before you get into bed. Pearls are not friendly bedfellows.
    
88. When you sign your bill for champers at Claridge’s, take the pen and coasters home with you. That’ll make you feel like it was that bit more worth it.
    
89. Don’t get first class train tickets. You’ll just be stuck in a carriage of angry snobs who are also wondering what on earth they paid for.
    
90. Don’t trust BBC weather.
    
91. Actually, take whatever BBC weather says to mean its opposite.
    
92. Buy your cigarettes in duty-free. Lots and lots of cigarettes.
    
93. When you get invited to the countryside for the weekend, go. There’s a good reason why London’s empty in the summer.
    
94. You’re not going to meet your yacht-owning, polo-playing, prince charming at a Charity event. Charity events are for old people.
    
95. Don’t talk to people in the jacuzzi at the gym. Its just not the place for small talk.
    
96. Don’t walk down Edgware road alone. Whether provocatively dressed or not. Just don’t do it. Something about shisha or hummus makes men glare and whistle more intensely than usual.
    
97. Don’t bother blow-drying your hair. London knows when you do. And its not long before the clouds gather…and the curls reappear.
    
98. Don’t talk to bus drivers. Besides the fact that there’s a sign next to them telling you not to do so…they’re really not a very friendly bunch of people.
    
99. When in doubt…PIMMS.
    
100. Learn it. Live it. Love it.