1. When you get invited to an event that promises “complimentary cocktails” you can be sure the glasses are going to be small. Very small. Its more like complimentary shots of mojito really.
2. When you go to one of those work functions where you have to wear a name tag, make sure you take it off before you get on the tube. Londoners don’t like to stare but in that case you give them no option.
3. Don’t fall for that four-letter word SALE. Just because something is 70% off it doesn’t mean you can now afford it. You may be more willing, but willing is not the same thing as able.
4. Also RENT. “rent” does not mean “rent.” “rent” means rent + bills + council tax + inventory + clean + miscellaneous other bullshit charges usually over £100.
5. (There’s a very good reason why Foxtons can offer you “free” cappuccinos and sparkling water while you wait.)
6. “Is the bed hard?” “I like a hard bed.” “Can I try it?” Three things NOT to say to a young chap from Foxtons.
7. When Foxtons asks you what your budget is, tell them £100 less than it actually is. They only end up showing you the ones that exactly match or exceed that budget. And before you know it, 400 is the new 300.
8. Don’t think of rent in weekly terms. 400 is not 100 more than 300, its 400 more.
9. Be weary of real estate lingo. It is governed by its own rules. Cosy means crap, quaint means crap, comfortable means crap. Just go from the premise that anything under £400 a week is more often than not, crap.
10. Which is to say, don’t just mind the gap, mind the crap.
11. When you’re putting in an offer on the beautiful top floor flat with a view, make sure you know people who’ll carry your shit up there.
12. There’s a reason why there are always (beautiful) top floor flats on the market.
13. Don’t sleep with your flatmates – easier said than done.
14. Actually, avoid having flatmates altogether and then you can sleep with whoever you want. So much easier.
15. Life is so much better with no flatmates. Just make sure you never have any chocolate lying around.
16. Yes, London is in England, and yes the official language is English, but that does not mean that everybody speaks it. In fact there is probably an inverse ratio between the amount you need someone to speak it, and their inability to do so. That is, all the people you generally really need to understand you, like the maid, the dry cleaner, and the guy who comes to repair your washing machine—all those handy people—they don’t speak English.
17. Learn to draw.
18. Or, learn Portuguese.
19. Rush hour is rush hour, but rush hour in Oxford Circus is a friggin’ carnival. No feathers, no cocktails, just cocks. No, don’t you worry pumpkin, you sit, I’ll stand, in my heels, with my work bag, gym bag, shopping bag, and newspaper. It’s all good.
20. Actually, I take that back. rush hour in oxford circus is not rush hour its rush hours. A seemingly endless succession of them. so, it has no bearing if you get out of work an hour early or late…you’re still. Always. Screwed.
21. Oh and speaking of carnival – the Notting Hill one that is. Erm, two words of advice. PRE-GAME. You do not want to go there sober.
22. Also, try to grow some breasts in advance.
23. And one more thing—Don’t be caught on camera doing this.
24. Wow. I’m all for letting go, I’m all about having fun, and lord knows I’m all about dance. But that? Wow.
25. If someone insists on paying, don’t insist back. Let it be. The Beatles were from London you know…and I’m pretty sure this is what they meant by that. What else could “when I find myself in times of trouble” refer to?
26. When you sign up to do a funky art review, make sure its not in like Zone 27. I mean I love art and all, but there’s only so far I’ll go.
27. Also, when you sign up to do an art review, make sure you go. The word view in review implies that you’ve seen it.
28. When it comes to distances, don’t question how willing you are to go somewhere…question how willing you’ll be to trek back. As in, when someone invites you to a cool party in bethnal green and you live in Chelsea, say no.
28. Sunny morning = rainy day; grey morning = sunny day; weather forecasting is not that difficult at all.
29. Actually there are a number of other surefire indicators it will rain:
a) You’re wearing suede shoes.
b) You’re wearing new shoes, suede or otherwise.
c) It’s been a long day already.
d) Its been a bad day already.
e) You’re in some strange part of the city
f) All of the above.
30. Blowdry, n. A waste of time, money and optimism.
31. Don’t get sick. Don’t get hurt. Don’t put yourself in any situation that requires you to see a doctor or come anywhere near the NHS. What? There are no free appointments until next Thursday? Oh, well alright then, I’ll just put my cough away in my pocket and come back then!
32. Again, there’s a reason why NHS healthcare is free. Most people end up not using it.
33. The A&E wing of the hospital is really not as exciting as you’d imagine, or as ER would have you believe. No gushing blood, no swinging doors, no dashing George Clooney in a white coat whizzing through them. Nope. The A&E is just full of other people like you, who didn’t want to wait for the next available appointment at their regular GP, and didn’t want to walk to the nearest “walk-in” which is really not so near after all.
34. Don’t flirt with the young suited fellow in the waiting room. His mother is like, dying down the hall.
35. When someone offers you a pound for a cigarette, offer them a savvy piece of financial advice in return to put it in a piggy bank, and when they’ve done that seven times they can buy their own packet!
36. No, wait, just sell all your cigarettes for a pound each and then you can buy 3 packs! Hello ROI!
37. Don’t go to Shirtsteam dry cleaners in South Kensington. For their rates (who knew STEAM could be so expensive!) you can just buy a new dress.
38. But don’t do that either. Just find an affordable dry cleaner and stop buying clothes that are dry clean only!
39. Just when you begin thinking the summer is ending…it already has.
40. In fact it often never even happened. It was like an hit TV-show-pilot that got you all excited and waxing…and then went down the drain.
41. Telling people on the tube to “move all the way down into the carriages” has no effect. If they didn’t obey when the conductor said it, they sure as hell won’t listen to you. Huffs, puffs, sighs and murderous gazes don’t work either. Just deal with it. Londoners do not like to stand in the middle of the carriages.
42. Don’t say things like “who do you have to sleep with to get this press release damnit” in the office. Not out loud at least.
43. Don’t have naughty skype conversations in the office…the screen is easy to hide, the face, not so much.
44. Always, always look around to see if there’s a queue formed somewhere. Nobody will believe you if you say you didn’t see.
45. If you find yourself somewhere near Green Park needing to pee, pop into Fortnum and Masons. They have all the nice soaps and moisturizers, and get this, the lady thanks you on your way out. Thanks you. Well, from the bottom of my, bladder, I daresay, you’re very welcome, m’dear!
46. If you need a place to stay that’s nicer and cheaper than a hotel…look up THINK apartments. They have them all over the city. Nice, new, big, affordable. With nice, new, big showers. Like big enough to fit more than…ohhhhh!
47. The bouncers in the East End are so much nicer than the ones in the West. They won’t tell you to “go smoke over there.”
48. What’s more, they’ll hold up the velvet rope only so that you can finish your cigarette before you go in! Dude, are you fo’ real?
49. Oh and speaking of smoking and the East End…the people there actually don’t want your cigarette because they prefer to have their rolled up ones. Like, can we be best friends?
50. Polo events really have little to do with horses, mallets and balls. Its all about the champagne.
51. The good thing is, when you’re not following the polo and someone asks you which team you’re rooting for, you can always say the Veuve Clicquot Team! I’m practically the sponsor!
52. If you go to Polo posing as press…at least have the name of the magazine you “write for” in mind, before you get there. Horse&Hound doesn’t quite work in this scenario.
53. Also, when you’re going to polo, don’t buy a new dress for it. You may feel like a Pretty Woman, you may even be a Pretty Woman, but you don’t have Richard Gere’s credit card in your pocket.
54. You know how you sometimes think it might be a nice idea to go explore a part of London you’ve never been to, like say, Brixton? Bad idea.
55. Try not to giggle every time the announcer on the Piccadilly line says Cockfosters. What are you, twelve?
56. When somebody comes up to you in the middle of a lovely al fresco lunch you’re enjoying and says, “could you spare some change, love, I just lost my job?” Don’t respond with the words, “I don’t have a job!” You may not have a job, but you are eating a £15 salad doll.
57. The Sunday Times is so much better when it gets delivered to your door in a little baggy with your name on it! Excuse me darling, that’s not The Sunday Times, that’s My Sunday Times.
58. The next time there’s a tube strike, there’s going to be a me strike. Sorry, I’m just not coming into work today. If you want me there, send a cab to pick me up. Avec sexy chauffeur please.
59. When a married man says to you, “what you need is a married man,” you can be pretty sure he’s referring to himself.
60. You know those stupid emails you get from TFL with the subject heading “Planned Closures?” Read them.
61. When you’re on the Eurostar heading back from Paris, make sure you have a bottle of champagne with you. It makes the pain of leaving Paris more bearable.
62. Also, it makes all the drunken Brits on the train more bearable.
63. Or maybe, it makes you one of them. Eh, po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
64. When you call up to get a National Insurance Number, the first question they’ll ask is why you want one. Don’t say, “is that a trick question?” Don’t say, “isn’t it your job to know why I need one?” Don’t say anything clever or sarcastic and don’t even tell them the truth, which is that you have no idea. Just make sure you use the words job and employer and you’re good to go.
65. London may be a big city, but it’s a friggin’ small world. Don’t think you won’t bump into people. You will. And its always the wrong people. Yes, at the wrong time.
66. Don’t go to the Supperclub for supper. Counterintuitive, I know. Trust me, avoid the supper, enjoy the club.
67. Don’t ever assume someone is gay. London is full of metros. Even the gays are sometimes metro.
68. You know those lonely uneventful weekends in the summer when no one’s around? You’ll miss them in September.
69. I don’t remember what its called, and I don’t remember exactly where it is, but somewhere in Clapham is the best Italian ice cream in London.
70. Before you leave the country with plans to renew your visa outside the country…make sure you check all the requirements. Applying inside the UK and applying outside the UK are two very different things.
71. Before you leave the UK to apply for your visa outside the UK make some nice friends who will take care of all your belongings, bank statements, and boyfriends for you.
72. When you’re going to a house party make sure you know who the host is. That way you wont end up convincing them to leave this dull party!
73. Also BYOB and BYOI. Ice, that is.
74. Wait, maybe just don’t go to house parties. Although, house parties are one of the few times you can smoke indoors…
75. Don’t wear heels to a house party. Nobody in London has as many chairs as friends. And friends of friends.
76. 6am is a really interesting time to walk around London. It’s the only time of day when joggers and whores cross paths.
77. Going away for the weekend can sometimes be cheaper than spending it in London.
78. Going to Windsor for the weekend doesn’t actually qualify as going away. Its only a 45 minute drive. Which in some cases is shorter than the time it takes you to get to work in the morning.
79. Don’t book hotels and pack for Windsor. Just drive back home in the evening.
80. Always make friends with the bartender. And he’ll always throw one in on the house, love!
81. Stay away from the ducks in Hyde Park. They’re not a happy bunch.
82. Boozy lunches are all well and good until you realize you have to go back to the office.
83. No, boozy lunches are all well and good until you realize you have a hangover…at 8pm.
84. Waitrose isn’t really all its cracked up to be. The little independent delis and markets are so much better. And so much more expensive. Of course.
85. Yes, in London, even vegetables can be a luxury. I’m sure that white asparagus has traces of gold.
86. And don’t even get me started on all the health foods.
87. Health foods may have long labels saying gluten-free, dairy-free, cholesterol-free, fat-free, but the price tag will tell you there’s nothing effing free about them!
88. When you get an envelope from Barclays that’s fatter than usual, you might want to open it.
89. No wait, want is precisely the opposite...you have to.
90. It’s so much easier to not spend money when you don’t have any. This may apply to anywhere in the world, but only London can really teach it to you.
91. If you can avoid direct debit—do. Direct debit = direct (and sneaky) blow.
92. Do not, do not, do not leave your Blackberry at home. You won’t be able to change plans with anyone, you won’t be able to Google Map anything, and you won’t have anything to play with to avoid making eye contact with that person staring at you on the tube.
93. But when you do forget your Blackberry, don’t use the payphones. They’re cute and red and symbolic and all, but erm, people piss in them. And, it costs like 2 pounds per minute or something.
94. Remember that time you popped into Oddbins and they had some competition running, and you gave them your email address? Un-sub-scribe.
95. Receiving weekly emails for special offers on champagne is masochism.
96. When you accept a job, make sure the office is not within walking distance of Selfridges. If it is, then just instruct your employer to make your paycheck out to Selfridges. That’s where it all goes anyhow.
97. Don’t put languages you don’t actually speak on your CV. They do actually test you sometimes. And the little bit of French you can speak in bed, is not the same little bit of French you can speak in the office. “N’arretes pas” is not a viable response to anything.
98. Sometimes the job interviews you think you did the worst in, are the interviews that actually get you jobs.
99. Then again, sometimes it’s the Ralph Lauren shirt you wore that got you the job.
100. And just remember, if and when London gets you down, you can always count on Lauren.
